Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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