im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
