Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
