Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She bit a glass in half.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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