We won't sleep together?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
