Im at strip club and am horny
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
