a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
