I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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