She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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