can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
