I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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