I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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