last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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