in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
