Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
vagina is talking i cant
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
