we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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