I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
