Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
