ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
