I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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