OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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