I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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