peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
