My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.