I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
