I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
