They should really pass out barf bags in church
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
