I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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