it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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