My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
