happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
