im having a threesome with these popsicles
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
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I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
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Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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