I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dicks are not precious.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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