saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
