Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
