I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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