I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
