I seem to have left my pride at pride
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
