so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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