3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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