Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
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Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
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There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize