fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
