And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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