Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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