I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
