if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
sex in a hospital.. check
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Randomize
