dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Shitshow foam night was such a success
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
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