we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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