Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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