How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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