Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
