dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
