just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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