after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
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I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
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Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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