Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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