I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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