I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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