I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
