Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
